Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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