Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
