why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
