Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
