i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
