I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
