woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just want to make out with him forever
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
