We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
