On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
