Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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