the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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