I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
