my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
