my phone needs a breathalizer
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
