You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
