I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
