i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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