tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
