I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
