from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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