hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
