I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
