he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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