At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
