Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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