while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
