i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
