dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
