I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
