to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
