cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
