$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
