At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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