Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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