Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
3 2 1 whiskey
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
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