Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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