I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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