So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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