seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
