He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
time to smoke my breakfast
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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