This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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