Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
