so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
