I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
