I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
