Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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