I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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