I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
