Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
