Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Sext me about skeletons
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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