I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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