Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
